And then there’s the wind
Look up
Gaze into
The sky
An ant that scurries in circles
A grain of sand among infinity
And you think you matter
You think you’re going somewhere… where?
You expend yourself for what?
You’re just going to rot and turn back to dirt
Be forgotten
Be nothing.
Remembered for a few seconds in eternity by whom?
A few other walking corpses?
All your ambition
Everything you’ve been told you should accomplish
Fulfilling the expectations of dust
Be still
Look up
Find your insignificance
There in is reality.
You are a passing shadow
Dust in the wind
Mist in the air
You are nothing.
Yet even as nothing
You exist
That in your helpless state
All the universe
Can see
As stars like crystals suspended in space
We gaze upon their
Just to

How they
So remember
And reflect
The lie
Are for
The world
To wonder
To be.

There you are and here I am.

so holy
so perfect
the author of wisdom

yet fallen
bent towards failure
and stupid

can these two meet?
there is nothing
i can do
but like a
baby bird
cranes its
wobbly neck 
its mother
and then exhaustedly 

and there you are

and here

Stay positive

The sunshine is coming 

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Fly away

for so long I’ve been crashing
crashing and burning
driving down dead end roads
building castles made of sand
just to watch them wash away
but i believe 
believe in better
and im ready to fly away
im ready to fly away
fly away to you
just say you want me too
and we’ll fly away
you’re real as far as i can see
you're right as rain 
and you're right for me
lets take the leap 
see where this goes
didn’t see this coming anymore than you
didn’t know my dreams could really come true
but now i know 
yeah i know better
and im ready to fly away
we’re ready to fly away
fly into the blue
because you want me too
we’re flyin away

.............yeah its not for anyone its just something i came up with  ;]

a painting of words

For so long I struggled in vain-
Vain attempts to disguise the weakness;
Building walls to keep the condescending at bay.
Hiding myself  behind a mirage of strength,
I was falling apart inside.
The vulnerability could no longer be repressed,
And like a fragile bud breaks through  from the earth,
I crept out of the prison I had built...

Freedom was my oxygen
Exploding like air into gasping lungs  I began to breathe.
The world was new and my eyes raced to capture its beauty!
I was free; the chains of human expectations no longer restraining.

Yet like an innocent child will venture with fearless wonder-
And adventure holds no risks to the bright eyes of the young,
Trials circled above seeking the tender sprouts  of trust that grew from my soul.
Looming  were the clouds of affliction
And heavy upon my faith raindrops of suffering fell.

I questioned the pain.
I feared the discomfort!
Franticly searching for an escape,
I turned to rebuild the remains of my cage.
But faintly my untrained ear heard a voice...
So I stood quiet, my trembling soul was still.
And I saw it unveiled  in my silence... a mighty fortress-
Its gate lowered like eager arms it stood anticipating my approach!

I stood like a startled deer- I quivered on the brink of flight.
But the gentle call and quiet assurance drew me step by step
This peaceful stronghold gathered me in.

Now I’ve found security,
A safe hiding place for my soul!
It surrounds my heart,
And I am shielded.
Those who seek my downfall cannot overthrow its protection!
I am comforted in the love that surrounds me,
I am confident in the strength of my defender;
And though I face the impossible and I fight its fearful blows-
I am unscathed.
Forever, I am embedded in the unfailing,
And I am preserved.


Dear Jen

You know sometimes when you read the Bible its easy for your eyes to glaze over and kinda skim read instead of understand read.. FOR me anyhow..  So this was something I did that just like makes the Bible so personal to me...

To: Jen
From: John
  My dear Jen,
I am writing this to you so that you will not sin.
But if you do sin, you have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. He himself is the sacrifice that atones for your sins—and not only your sins but the sins of all the world.
  And you can be sure that you know him if you obey his commandments.
 If you claim, “I know God,” but you don't obey God’s commandments, then you are  a liar and are not living in the truth.  But if you obey God’s word you truly show how completely you love him. That is how you know you are living in him. If you say you live in God you should live your life just as Jesus did.
 Dear Jen, I am not writing a new commandment for you; rather it is an old one you have had from the very beginning. This old commandment—to love one another—is the same message you heard before.  Yet it is also new. Jesus lived the truth of this commandment, and you also are living it. For the darkness is disappearing, and the true light is already shining.
 If you claim, “I am living in the light,” but hate a Christian brother or sister,you are still living in darkness. If you love another brother or sister you are living in the light and you do not cause others to stumble. But if you  hate another brother or sister you are still living and walking in darkness. If such is the case you do not know the way to go, having been blinded by the darkness.

  I am writing to you - God’s child
      because your sins have been forgiven through Jesus.
  I am writing to you because you are mature in the faith
      because you know Christ, who existed from the beginning.
   I am writing to you who are young in the faith
      because you have won your battle with the evil one.
  I have written to you- God’s child
      because you know the Father.
   I have written to you who are mature in the faith
      because you know Christ, who existed from the beginning.
   I have written to you who are young in the faith
      because you are strong.
   God’s word lives in your heart,
      and you have won your battle with the evil one.
  Jen,Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.  For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.  And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But if you do what pleases God you will live forever.

 Dear Jen, the last hour is here. You have heard that the Antichrist is coming, and already many such antichrists have appeared. From this we know that the last hour has come. These people left our churches, but they never really belonged with us; otherwise they would have stayed with us. When they left, it proved that they did not belong with us.
  But you are not like that, for the Holy One has given you his Spirit, and you know the truth. So I am writing to you not because you don’t know the truth but because you know the difference between truth and lies. And who is a liar? Anyone who says that Jesus is not the Christ. Anyone who denies the Father and the Son is an antichrist.Anyone who denies the Son doesn’t have the Father, either. But anyone who acknowledges the Son has the Father also.
  So Jen, you must remain faithful to what you have been taught from the beginning. If you do, you will remain in fellowship with the Son and with the Father.  And in this fellowship you will enjoy the eternal life he promised us.
  I am writing these things to warn you about those who want to lead you astray. But you have received the Holy Spirit,and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true—it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ.
 And now, dear Jen, remain in fellowship with Christ so that when he returns, you will be full of courage and not shrink back from him in shame.
  Since you know that Christ is righteous, you also know that all who do what is right are God’s children.

always your friend

Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m not there
Just because I don’t say much doesn’t mean I don’t care
I know you got pain, you got battles raging inside
But I’m here as your friend and I’m gonna stay by your side

Don’t be fooled by the space by the miles between
I got my arms round your shoulders even though it’s unseen
Trust me …. just words to you now.. But soon you’ll understand
When it all seems imperfect is when I’m your biggest fan.

You’re gonna push me away ,Cause you feel safer alone
You mask how you feel clear down to the bone.
But I’m not fooled dear, see you can’t hide your eyes
I won’t be scared off although I know you will try.

It’s okay; go alone to the space in your mind.
Sort through all the shit of your hell, grit and grime.
It’s when you come back, when you need me again…
I’ll just be waiting right here. 
Cause I’m always your friend.



Her chest constricts ,she can hardly breathe.
The darkness of the room she can taste
She suffocates on the space around her.
Tears ache to escape .
The knot in her throat grows
Her mind tries to stomp out every light in her soul.
She just wants a mother to hold her close,
A father to watch over and protect.
She feels like an orphan at a family reunion,
Like a bird with no nest .
Friends what are they ? Existance is just a word.
Family what is that? Just a fantasy,a mindless mirage
What is the ache inside ... this gaping hole in her chest?
Its a place empty and starving to be filled...
But even if She doesn't feel it right now..
She knows.
She knows who holds the key, who alone can complete her.....
"God" she whispers,
I'm asking you to fix me.
I'm asking you to love me.
I want you -
Just you.
I'm sorry for my wanderings....
I hate my mind when it wonders the lies.
Be my mother.
Be my father.
Be my family.
Be my friend.

She might not feel it now but she knows.

I can relate to this

I think the lonely world that I live in was perhaps self imposed at the beginning but has now become the invisible prison that I can never escape. When all we yearn for is a single soul to understand our own, the greatest pain is realizing it will never be. There is no one around me that I can feel that connected to, or share my heart with and in the absence of that emotional warmth, I only have the cold expanse of the Internet to document my human condition.
you can't stay out of my life or my head it seems
everywhere i go is something that reminds me not to forget you
.... i can't move on 
my head says "be with somone who wants you"
but my heart just says " be with you." 

Whatever will be ...will be
but as for right now just stay here with me.

who am i ?
i am nobody.
i am known.
i am dead.
i am alive.
i am following.
i am leading.
i am weak.
i am strong.
i am foolish.
i am wise.
i am not random.
i [am ] for this exact moment of time.

i luf mustaches on your facce

no message

ah summer

no message


found these amazing boots at goodwill today ... these are going in a photoshoot pronto
And i found these amazing red boots at goodwill today but alas they werent my size..... = angry

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Its going to be a great summer! 


im here for now... but someday...
i'll be 

... im not freaking out.

i swear i might go a little crazy if i don't get a chance to love you.

grow hair groww

so this is pretty much exactly where my hair is at right now... style color cut.. i've been trying to grow it out for what seems like forever but actually its just been since aug 2010...well almost a year but i'm coming from a pretty short faux hawk..

this is the goal.. hope its not tooo much longer till its this long

my fav makeup

i'm a big fan of au natural skin... and the nude lip look

hate skinny brows .. well formed brows = awesomee!

dramatic eyes and lashes  fabbbyluss

artistically trendy

well i really hate the idea of being trendy but if the shoe fits.. . 
i think its just cause i get bored and am always seeking new inspiration and have a broad appreciation for fashion and style =] here are my picks for 2011 fashion trends
think hawaii print colors and 80's geometric shapes... very bright and poppy colors

i think this 70's  is going to be the look this summer, floppy hats, bell bottoms,wedge heels and the middle part flowy hair.. 
sometimes i wish i didnt live in such a fashion stunted area so 
i could enjoy the change of "fashion seasons" lol but alas maybe i can squeeze nyc in for a visit  ugg i hope 

going into fall i think its going to go 80's ish.. i could be wrong but its fun to guess around 

well i think..

gosh i just love boys on bikes... 

i want to make these I LOVE THEMMM

fact: we should just have a day that we wear top hats.


thats it... thats the dress.... must have.

now it makes sense

... i thought its just cause i was crazy.

best friends for ...

we were supposed to be best friends forever... you said... you promised... what happened to all those
things you said?
i freakin
miss you.

i like danger

so its stormy here and threats of tornadoes and wind and hail ..
 but its calm inside me.. too calm sometimes i think.
its like i'm ok with danger or the threat of it. . . why aren't i scared ?
i think somethings wrong with me...
i look forward to the rush
i think i live on  adrenaline.
its the only thing left
that makes me feel alive
... and it makes me forget.

you said...

you said one time that God put me in your life for a reason...
i pray you're right.


remember your first love .. 
remember that ?
well i had to let go of mine...
and you're the 
first person 
makes me 
i let
so please don't 
walk away 

so true


i hate dreams


sarcastic smiles

oh my heart just 
 up with joy 
when i see how great you're
getting along without

summertime breezes

i like how i still get childishly excited at the start of summer
like im still 9 years old and i'm going to
get to spend all day wasting it on mudpies
and backyard baseball....
and then i remember society says:
" you're a groan-up now."
no breaks. 

why not... lets go please

don't you just wanna wander down this road?
i do...
..and you should be with me.

Organic Canopy

So I would consider myself that melencholy semi-dramatic artist personality... and yesterday I found myself in an all to familiar mood of contemplation .. " Why am I so uninspired..?" 
The most creative answer I came up with that made me want to actually get my artsy self out of bed was I needed a organic / whimsical canopy over my bed. So i spent the day gathering branches and forming a tent of tulle and twine.. added some strings of flower petal garland and lights to complete the ambiance and atmosphere.
i liked it.

Ahh love sometimes its good and sometimes its not.

I hate it when you feel so much but you aren't allowed to say it because its "too forward".. Its out of place for a girl to say such things... Bleh.. why can't we just be honest .. its not fair ... 

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